The real question: Why?

 As Glace and I sit down to decaf latte in an exclusive part of McCafe, he explains to me the inspiration behind his latest photo spread: Glace Chase as Michael Musto as Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe. “It just seemed so important to do right now, you know, after all that publicity that Michael and Lindsay received”, Glace explains. “And it is a very artistic exploration where I reveal my inner fragility by exposing my naked ass.”

 “And these guys are such an inspiration. I mean Michael is known all across- well Greenwich Village- and Lindsay is a close personal friend. When we both got done for DUI we shared the same lawyer.” As for Marilyn? “I don’t actually know who Marilyn Monroe is”, Glace confesses. “Is she like Jackie Kennedy?”

 In a stranger than fiction scenario six hours after the infamous shoot (as opposed to six weeks) Glace was found dead in his hotel room after a toxic combination of heroin, barbiturates, paracetamol and cough syrup. “The paramedics were great” Glace enthuses, “After they de-fibbed me, they put me on the most amazing combination of pain killers.”

 As for the infamous pink chiffon shot? Glace’s version is setting gossip pages alight with more than a package of meat. “Nick, the photographer, made me use only one piece of chiffon. The others had at least four. I don’t know why he made me do that.” But the real question remains: is Glace Chase imitating a horse? Glace laughs with wild abandon. “I’m a private person. I don’t like to talk about my 12 inches!”  Ahh Glace.

Travis Winkle – AACPT  

Dear Glace,

I am a girl, and I went to a party recently where I met two guys, who I initially mistook to be boyfriends. After an hour talking to them i realised that they are brothers. And then one of them asked me over to have dinner some time with him and his brother. I said yes, and took my current boyfriend along, but when we got there, there was low lighting, candles, and a banquet with plenty of wine. My question is: was it wrong to have instigated group sex?

People always ask me this question. My standard response is when I was younger my agent Michael Mancini took me to a board meeting of powerful studio executives to discuss my role in an upcoming soap opera. We chatted, laughed, discussed politics. And then I got down to business. Was it wrong to mix the personal and the professional? Was it wrong to bring a little joy into people’s lives? Was it wrong to be out the door within twenty minutes? No, it wasn’t! It’s never wrong to have a good time, as long as no-one gets hurt, yourself included. A note of caution though – make sure you perform equally as well for all participants otherwise some men could get the wrong idea and that could be career breaking. Not that I’m bitter.

Love Glace… xx

Dear GC

I am in need of guidance. There’s a guy that I’ve known for a few weeks now – we’ve gone out for dinner a few times, we’ve been flirting online… When we hang out there’s a buzz there between us… But I have no idea if he’s interested in friendship or something more. The other night when we were having dinner I sent my friend a text when he ran off to the bar saying, “dinner is going well but I can’t work out if we’re on a date or not!” So far there’s been no kissing, no touching… Normally I’d say that meant he’s not interested, but he’s always mentioning how he likes to take things slow, so maybe this is just his style? Confused.

Sweetie, I’m confused too. No man has ever done that to me. It must be refreshing to not have a man pawing at you straight away, albeit a tad un-nerving. Your languid lover-to-be may think he is being chivalrous; in reality he’s just annoying. He must understand that you have needs. You must force him to play his hand (as it were). I suggest you get him over to your place for a night cap. Turn on the tv – accidentally play some bb porn and note his reaction. Spike his drink with rohypnol and drag him to your bedroom. Undress him (its perfectly acceptable to have a snoop at his privates). Get under the covers and have a great night’s sleep cuddling into your comatose man. When he wakes up the next morning confess that you feel guilty about what happened but were persuaded by his sincerity and passion. Then ask if you need to go on PEP. If he high foots it out the door, its safe to say he’s not interested. If he stays you’ve found yourself a keeper. Good luck.

Love Glace oxo 

I need your help with a boy. I’ve met this boy – he’s funny, intelligent, can hold a conversation, good looking, a good body, but here’s the deal killer – he can’t kiss to save himself. It’s like  a wet dog excited to see his owner – all teeth, a bit sloppy and no real romanticism. Unfortunately, I don’t have the time to train a new kisser, I think anyone over the age of 25 should have some skills in this field, otherwise I have to move on. So I don’t know how to handle the situation, do I tell him straight up there’s no chemisty, or do I used the good old “It’s not you, It’s me, but can we be friends” line. I would still like to be his friend.
Thanks

“I don’t have time to train a new kisser”??? Why? Too busy stroking your own ego? This guy has everything except a firm mouth. Saliva retention and an accurate tongue are skills that can be taught, especially by those that take an interest. Too bad you’re only interested in yourself. I suggest you sit him down and let him know, calmly, that the kissing aspect needs some work. And then teach him. Helping others better themselves is what separates us from the animals – try it sometime. It’ll give you a new feeling: warmth. If you still insist on breaking up with him because you’re “too busy” then I suggest you use the following line: “We can’t see each other anymore because I’m an asshole”. If he knows what’s good for him he won’t stick around for the friends part.
Love Glace x

I have always been attracted to older men. Last weekend I picked up this hot daddy from a club, took him back to my place and we had the hottest night together. I totally fell for him then and there. But in the morning when I woke up he was gone and there was $50 and his phone number on my bedside table. Not sure what to do. I think I could really fall for this guy, but he treats me like a hooker. Help! – JR

Baby,
For starters he’s paying you too little. You need at least three figures, preferably four. You give him your body, he gives you money. It’s the laws of attraction. Older men find it difficult to connect to their emotions. They’ve had a whole lifetime of disappointment to deal with. Which is why they need to pay you. You wouldn’t want to upset him, would you? As for your other misconceptions…Why does everyone assume you can’t be in love if you’re treated like a whore? I suspect you’re falling for him because he treats you like a hooker. That’s what Daddys do. That’s why we love them. So call him, needle him for money and let him find your sweet spot. You’ll be the happiest couple in the world.
Love Glace x

PS. I’d like to help more. Send me a detailed explanation of how he did you, what his preferences are, any photos you may have taken and his phone number and I’ll try to sort out the situation.

My flatmate is a lazy twink. He’s just turned 22. For the last two years we’ve lived together and in that time he hasn’t had a single job interview, he sits at home all day on Manhunt and doesn’t lift a finger around the house. I’ve tried to inspire him to go out there and make something of himself, I’ve suggested he volunteer for different organisations, I’ve nagged him – nothing works. I wonder what will become of him. Is there something wrong with this generation or what? Help me!

Sweet pea
Sounds like someone is a tad jealous… How would you feel if you were 22 and your do-gooder room mate kept raining on your parade?! All you’d be able to do is surf the net looking for cheap sex too! It is a prerogative of our generation (me and the twinks) to do what we like, when we like and as deep as we like it. The only thing that will come over us is happiness. The real problem here is your age and sour inclination. There are two types of people: givers and takers. Sounds like you’re a bitter giver and envy this sweet taker. Good news – no matter how old you are its still not too late to quit that job, get some botox and find a rich man over 50 (tip: if they’re over 65 their money is easier to access). Do this and you can feel eternal happiness as well.

But if none of that works and you still want to take him down (or any other twink, myself excluded), then give him some distressing news:16 is the new 22…

Love Glace xox

I don’t know what to do. I don’t fit into the gay scene at all. I hate the gym, I hate Kylie, Britney and Madonna. I’m not flamboyant or creative, I’m not a social butterfly. I don’t like clubbing. So how am I ever gonna find my groove? Do I have to completely change myself or are there other people like me out there somewhere? – R

Honey,

There are plenty of dull and boring people out there that are exactly like you. Why would you want to connect with them? You’ve already admitted that you’re in a rut. If you hang out with people like you, you’ll just feel like a loser, and that won’t help your confidence.

You need to find a way to connect to fun people. But I feel your pain. It can be hard not fitting in. As an able bodied heterosexual white male who only gets along with disabled black lesbians it was difficult to find my niche.

Experimentation will get you outside your comfort zone. Get bad cosmetic surgery, become a transvestite, abuse drugs and have unprotected sex. Pretty soon you’ll have a whole range of social networking opportunities opening up to you. There are a lot of support groups out there where you will all share many things in common. And you’ll fit in like a good syringe fits a vein.

Love Glacey xx

I’m at my wits end. I’m almost thirty and I’ve never had a meaningful relationship. Sure, I’ve got a bundle of fabulous friends who I adore, I’ve had some great one night stands and I’ve even fallen in love before – but he was completely emotionally unavailable. I am starting to wonder what’s wrong with me. I feel like I’m ready to fall in love and really see where I can go with someone. But I have no idea where to find these people. How can I land myself a man?  – RP.

Darling,

Like all of us, you is what’s wrong with you. If only you could find a personality it would be so much easier. Alas, like men, they don’t grow on trees. But I’m here to help.

For starters its foolish to expect a meaningful relationship – I’ve never met anyone who’s had one. Love is a slightly easier proposition. First, join a gym. Second, get a body wax. Third, get a penile enlargement. Now package your new and improved personality into a stringed speedo and head off to the Boy Charlton pool using tackle as bait to lure men (Kings Cross fountain will attract more earthy types, Lady Bay deviants – this is designed for Sydney residents of course…).

As soon as you’ve caught a man head back to his place for intense love making. Now for the love part – while your new love interest is having a post coital nap quickly and quietly move in all your possessions. In the morning refuse to leave. Buy him a cat and use it as emotional blackmail. When he calls the police reveal you’re pregnant. Attempt suicide in front of him. Cheat on him with his best friend. Swear he’s the worst thing that ever happened to you. Repeat this cycle every six months with a new partner. Love is a precious thing.

Love Glace xxx

Dear Glace,

I am 21 years old with a head full of gorgeous dark brown hair. Recently I have been getting grey pubic hairs. I think I have a stressed out beaver. What should I do? Help!

love Eileen xx

Leenie babe,

Sounds like your puss is in need of some firm treatment. You need to let your waywad cat know that this is no way to behave and if it continues, you’re going to have to rub its nose in its own urine (FYI if you’re the kinky type then refusing to do this will be punishment enough). Firstly, attack your bush with some pruning sheers and cut out any unwanted grey growth.  Next get a follicular stimulant from your local chemist (I find a menthol cooling lotion very energising) and with the help of a special friend rub it into your tetchy beave. When you’re feeling relaxed make mad passionate love (you might as well, you’re in the area.). Now you’re in a receptive state your puss is able to understand what is required so get your special friend to coo a Bedouin anti growth ritual directly into your core. Finally stroke your minge and thank it for the best brown (haired) times of your life and ask that there be many more. 

If any further grey returns chop off your torso. Or get a Brazilian. Whatever works. 

Love Glace xxx  

I was sitting in my office the other day, ruminating on the world, and I penned this poem. I dedicate it to Heath and all those that are troubled. xx 

Ode to Death  (For Heath)

Why why why.

Please god oh tell me why.

Why do I have to die?

No No No.

Please make it not so.

Stuck in a house,

My mother don’t care,

Free basing crack,

Life ain’t fair.

Why why why,

Oh god I want to die.