Immaculate Correction?

Dear Glace,

As a joke, my best friend and I took pregnancy tests and mine turned out positive – but I’ve never even had sex!! Does this mean I could actually be pregnant?

Anita

Babycakes,

Years of medical expertise tell us that there is a snowballs chance in hell of you being pregnant (read: none) but they said the exact same thing about my chances of a career in acting and boy did I prove them wrong. So I guess that means its true; you’re up the spout! You slut! Go grrl. Next time I suggest you don’t take a bath after your brother and certainly make sure you don’t share his towel. In case you haven’t realised teenage boys do bad things. Date rape included. It does seem rather irritating that you get all the ickyness of sex without having had any of the fun (auto-erotic asyphixiation anyone? Oh wait, you’ll want that anyway after your baby has kept you from sleeping three weeks straight and chewed the areolae right off your nipples). But right now I want you to take a deep breath and consider the positives. If the Virgin Mary were around today… she’d be richer than Madonna! And that’s saying something! An Immaculate Conception equals Right Royal Connections, so run to the nearest Catholic church next Sunday, climb upon the altar, strip off your clothes and scream ‘I am the crucible for the second coming’. You’ll be a hit in no time. Promise.

Love Glace xox

Psycho Mania

Dear Glace,

I’m 17 and I think I might have bipolar disorder. One week I’m happy and can’t stop smiling, the next week all I can do is cry and think the world would be a better place without me. I have tried telling my mum my concerns but she doesn’t care. Can you please help?

Stacy.

 

Sweetheart,

Everyone who’s anyone (and I mean everyone) has bipolar disorder these days! What a relief! Once upon a time it was considered bad manners to yo-yo all over your psycho-therapists sofa (emotionally, not conjugally which, Hallelujah!, is still fine to do). Nowadays we’ve thankfully thrown out such outdated clap trap as ‘get over it’ or ‘stiff upper lip’ and now we’re free to laugh til we’re sick and cry til we laugh right through our Biology class and even then our teachers can’t comfort us. What you’ve said is fundamentally true though – the world will keep on without you regardless of what you do –

so you may as well get hysterical, hyperventilate and make those that love you feel really really guilty for making your life hell. Embrace your illness, get a pensioners card and know that it was only when I got diagnosed a schizotypal OCD biopolar depressive with acute agoraphobic anxiety disorder that things began to look up.

Love Glace xox    

PS. Your Mom’s a bitch. Shoot her. 

Hello world!

Its time. I’ve started. I’ve had thousands of requests for advice over the years, and have been busy emailing people what to do in a time of crisis. I realise now that this is selfish – because only they get the benefit of my wisdom. The Dear Glace site allows the whole world access to my fount of knowledge. While this site gets established I’m going publish emails I’ve sent previously to crazed fans. Enjoy. And email me your woes… I’m here to help…   Love Glace xx