Immaculate Correction?

Dear Glace,

As a joke, my best friend and I took pregnancy tests and mine turned out positive – but I’ve never even had sex!! Does this mean I could actually be pregnant?

Anita

Babycakes,

Years of medical expertise tell us that there is a snowballs chance in hell of you being pregnant (read: none) but they said the exact same thing about my chances of a career in acting and boy did I prove them wrong. So I guess that means its true; you’re up the spout! You slut! Go grrl. Next time I suggest you don’t take a bath after your brother and certainly make sure you don’t share his towel. In case you haven’t realised teenage boys do bad things. Date rape included. It does seem rather irritating that you get all the ickyness of sex without having had any of the fun (auto-erotic asyphixiation anyone? Oh wait, you’ll want that anyway after your baby has kept you from sleeping three weeks straight and chewed the areolae right off your nipples). But right now I want you to take a deep breath and consider the positives. If the Virgin Mary were around today… she’d be richer than Madonna! And that’s saying something! An Immaculate Conception equals Right Royal Connections, so run to the nearest Catholic church next Sunday, climb upon the altar, strip off your clothes and scream ‘I am the crucible for the second coming’. You’ll be a hit in no time. Promise.

Love Glace xox

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