Love and Other Things…

Posted in Dear Glace advice with tags , , , , on April 21, 2008 by Glace Chase

Dear Glace,

I’m at my wits end. I’m almost thirty and I’ve never had a meaningful relationship. Sure, I’ve got a bundle of fabulous friends who I adore, I’ve had some great one night stands and I’ve even fallen in love before – but he was completely emotionally unavailable. I am starting to wonder what’s wrong with me. I feel like I’m ready to fall in love and really see where I can go with someone. But I have no idea where to find these people. How can I land myself a man?  – RP.

Darling,

Like all of us, you is what’s wrong with you. If only you could find a personality it would be so much easier. Alas, like men, they don’t grow on trees. But I’m here to help.

For starters its foolish to expect a meaningful relationship – I’ve never met anyone who’s had one. Love is a slightly easier proposition. First, join a gym. Second, get a body wax. Third, get a penile enlargement. Now package your new and improved personality into a stringed speedo and head off to the Boy Charlton pool using tackle as bait to lure men (Kings Cross fountain will attract more earthy types, Lady Bay deviants – this is designed for Sydney residents of course…).

As soon as you’ve caught a man head back to his place for intense love making. Now for the love part – while your new love interest is having a post coital nap quickly and quietly move in all your possessions. In the morning refuse to leave. Buy him a cat and use it as emotional blackmail. When he calls the police reveal you’re pregnant. Attempt suicide in front of him. Cheat on him with his best friend. Swear he’s the worst thing that ever happened to you. Repeat this cycle every six months with a new partner. Love is a precious thing.

Love Glace xxx

Cringe Minge

Posted in Dear Glace advice with tags , , , on March 30, 2008 by Glace Chase

Dear Glace,

I am 21 years old with a head full of gorgeous dark brown hair. Recently I have been getting grey pubic hairs. I think I have a stressed out beaver. What should I do? Help!

love Eileen xx

 

Leenie babe,

Sounds like your puss is in need of some firm treatment. You need to let your waywad cat know that this is no way to behave and if it continues, you’re going to have to rub its nose in its own urine (FYI if you’re the kinky type then refusing to do this will be punishment enough). Firstly, attack your bush with some pruning sheers and cut out any unwanted grey growth.  Next get a follicular stimulant from your local chemist (I find a menthol cooling lotion very energising) and with the help of a special friend rub it into your tetchy beave. When you’re feeling relaxed make mad passionate love (you might as well, you’re in the area.). Now you’re in a receptive state your puss is able to understand what is required so get your special friend to coo a Bedouin anti growth ritual directly into your core. Finally stroke your minge and thank it for the best brown (haired) times of your life and ask that there be many more. 

If any further grey returns chop off your torso. Or get a Brazilian. Whatever works. 

Love Glace xxx  

A Poem for Posterity

Posted in Ruminations with tags , , , , on March 23, 2008 by Glace Chase

I was sitting in my office the other day, ruminating on the world, and I penned this poem. I dedicate it to Heath and all those that are troubled. xx 

 

Ode to Death  (For Heath)

Why why why.

Please god oh tell me why.

Why do I have to die?

No No No.

Please make it not so.

 

Stuck in a house,

My mother don’t care,

Free basing crack,

Life ain’t fair.

 

Why why why,

Oh god I want to die. 

 

Immaculate Correction?

Posted in Dear Glace advice with tags , , , , , , on March 23, 2008 by Glace Chase

Dear Glace,

As a joke, my best friend and I took pregnancy tests and mine turned out positive – but I’ve never even had sex!! Does this mean I could actually be pregnant?

Anita

Babycakes,

Years of medical expertise tell us that there is a snowballs chance in hell of you being pregnant (read: none) but they said the exact same thing about my chances of a career in acting and boy did I prove them wrong. So I guess that means its true; you’re up the spout! You slut! Go grrl. Next time I suggest you don’t take a bath after your brother and certainly make sure you don’t share his towel. In case you haven’t realised teenage boys do bad things. Date rape included. It does seem rather irritating that you get all the ickyness of sex without having had any of the fun (auto-erotic asyphixiation anyone? Oh wait, you’ll want that anyway after your baby has kept you from sleeping three weeks straight and chewed the areolae right off your nipples). But right now I want you to take a deep breath and consider the positives. If the Virgin Mary were around today… she’d be richer than Madonna! And that’s saying something! An Immaculate Conception equals Right Royal Connections, so run to the nearest Catholic church next Sunday, climb upon the altar, strip off your clothes and scream ‘I am the crucible for the second coming’. You’ll be a hit in no time. Promise.

Love Glace xox

Psycho Mania

Posted in Dear Glace advice with tags , , , , on March 21, 2008 by Glace Chase

Dear Glace,

I’m 17 and I think I might have bipolar disorder. One week I’m happy and can’t stop smiling, the next week all I can do is cry and think the world would be a better place without me. I have tried telling my mum my concerns but she doesn’t care. Can you please help?

Stacy.

 

Sweetheart,

Everyone who’s anyone (and I mean everyone) has bipolar disorder these days! What a relief! Once upon a time it was considered bad manners to yo-yo all over your psycho-therapists sofa (emotionally, not conjugally which, Hallelujah!, is still fine to do). Nowadays we’ve thankfully thrown out such outdated clap trap as ‘get over it’ or ‘stiff upper lip’ and now we’re free to laugh til we’re sick and cry til we laugh right through our Biology class and even then our teachers can’t comfort us. What you’ve said is fundamentally true though – the world will keep on without you regardless of what you do –

so you may as well get hysterical, hyperventilate and make those that love you feel really really guilty for making your life hell. Embrace your illness, get a pensioners card and know that it was only when I got diagnosed a schizotypal OCD biopolar depressive with acute agoraphobic anxiety disorder that things began to look up.

Love Glace xox    

PS. Your Mom’s a bitch. Shoot her. 

Hello world!

Posted in Ruminations with tags on March 20, 2008 by Glace Chase

Its time. I’ve started. I’ve had thousands of requests for advice over the years, and have been busy emailing people what to do in a time of crisis. I realise now that this is selfish – because only they get the benefit of my wisdom. The Dear Glace site allows the whole world access to my fount of knowledge. While this site gets established I’m going publish emails I’ve sent previously to crazed fans. Enjoy. And email me your woes… I’m here to help…   Love Glace xx