Archive for humor

Glace Chase as Michael Musto as Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe

Posted in Journalism with tags , , , , on May 6, 2008 by Glace Chase

The real question: Why?

 As Glace and I sit down to decaf latte in an exclusive part of McCafe, he explains to me the inspiration behind his latest photo spread: Glace Chase as Michael Musto as Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe. “It just seemed so important to do right now, you know, after all that publicity that Michael and Lindsay received”, Glace explains. “And it is a very artistic exploration where I reveal my inner fragility by exposing my naked ass.”

 “And these guys are such an inspiration. I mean Michael is known all across- well Greenwich Village- and Lindsay is a close personal friend. When we both got done for DUI we shared the same lawyer.” As for Marilyn? “I don’t actually know who Marilyn Monroe is”, Glace confesses. “Is she like Jackie Kennedy?”

 In a stranger than fiction scenario six hours after the infamous shoot (as opposed to six weeks) Glace was found dead in his hotel room after a toxic combination of heroin, barbiturates, paracetamol and cough syrup. “The paramedics were great” Glace enthuses, “After they de-fibbed me, they put me on the most amazing combination of pain killers.”

 As for the infamous pink chiffon shot? Glace’s version is setting gossip pages alight with more than a package of meat. “Nick, the photographer, made me use only one piece of chiffon. The others had at least four. I don’t know why he made me do that.” But the real question remains: is Glace Chase imitating a horse? Glace laughs with wild abandon. “I’m a private person. I don’t like to talk about my 12 inches!”  Ahh Glace.

Travis Winkle – AACPT  

Glace recreates Musto as Lindsay as MarilynThat\'s so funny... Fruit

Hmm, troubling... Wrong FruitWhere\'s the vodka?

 

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Group Sex?

Posted in Dear Glace advice with tags , , , , on May 5, 2008 by Glace Chase

Dear Glace,

I am a girl, and I went to a party recently where I met two guys, who I initially mistook to be boyfriends. After an hour talking to them i realised that they are brothers. And then one of them asked me over to have dinner some time with him and his brother. I said yes, and took my current boyfriend along, but when we got there, there was low lighting, candles, and a banquet with plenty of wine. My question is: was it wrong to have instigated group sex?

 

People always ask me this question. My standard response is when I was younger my agent Michael Mancini took me to a board meeting of powerful studio executives to discuss my role in an upcoming soap opera. We chatted, laughed, discussed politics. And then I got down to business. Was it wrong to mix the personal and the professional? Was it wrong to bring a little joy into people’s lives? Was it wrong to be out the door within twenty minutes? No, it wasn’t! It’s never wrong to have a good time, as long as no-one gets hurt, yourself included. A note of caution though – make sure you perform equally as well for all participants otherwise some men could get the wrong idea and that could be career breaking. Not that I’m bitter.

Love Glace… xx

Frigid?

Posted in Dear Glace advice with tags , , , on May 5, 2008 by Glace Chase

Dear GC

I am in need of guidance. There’s a guy that I’ve known for a few weeks now – we’ve gone out for dinner a few times, we’ve been flirting online… When we hang out there’s a buzz there between us… But I have no idea if he’s interested in friendship or something more. The other night when we were having dinner I sent my friend a text when he ran off to the bar saying, “dinner is going well but I can’t work out if we’re on a date or not!” So far there’s been no kissing, no touching… Normally I’d say that meant he’s not interested, but he’s always mentioning how he likes to take things slow, so maybe this is just his style? Confused.

 

Sweetie, I’m confused too. No man has ever done that to me. It must be refreshing to not have a man pawing at you straight away, albeit a tad un-nerving. Your languid lover-to-be may think he is being chivalrous; in reality he’s just annoying. He must understand that you have needs. You must force him to play his hand (as it were). I suggest you get him over to your place for a night cap. Turn on the tv – accidentally play some bb porn and note his reaction. Spike his drink with rohypnol and drag him to your bedroom. Undress him (its perfectly acceptable to have a snoop at his privates). Get under the covers and have a great night’s sleep cuddling into your comatose man. When he wakes up the next morning confess that you feel guilty about what happened but were persuaded by his sincerity and passion. Then ask if you need to go on PEP. If he high foots it out the door, its safe to say he’s not interested. If he stays you’ve found yourself a keeper. Good luck.

Love Glace oxo 

Asshole?

Posted in Dear Glace advice with tags , , , , on April 25, 2008 by Glace Chase

Hi Glace,

I need your help with a boy. I’ve met this boy – he’s funny, intelligent, can hold a conversation, good looking, a good body, but here’s the deal killer – he can’t kiss to save himself. It’s like  a wet dog excited to see his owner – all teeth, a bit sloppy and no real romanticism. Unfortunately, I don’t have the time to train a new kisser, I think anyone over the age of 25 should have some skills in this field, otherwise I have to move on. So I don’t know how to handle the situation, do I tell him straight up there’s no chemisty, or do I used the good old “It’s not you, It’s me, but can we be friends” line. I would still like to be his friend.
Thanks

“I don’t have time to train a new kisser”??? Why? Too busy stroking your own ego? This guy has everything except a firm mouth. Saliva retention and an accurate tongue are skills that can be taught, especially by those that take an interest. Too bad you’re only interested in yourself. I suggest you sit him down and let him know, calmly, that the kissing aspect needs some work. And then teach him. Helping others better themselves is what separates us from the animals – try it sometime. It’ll give you a new feeling: warmth. If you still insist on breaking up with him because you’re “too busy” then I suggest you use the following line: “We can’t see each other anymore because I’m an asshole”. If he knows what’s good for him he won’t stick around for the friends part.
Love Glace x

Daddy

Posted in Dear Glace advice with tags , , , , on April 23, 2008 by Glace Chase

Dear Glace,

I have always been attracted to older men. Last weekend I picked up this hot daddy from a club, took him back to my place and we had the hottest night together. I totally fell for him then and there. But in the morning when I woke up he was gone and there was $50 and his phone number on my bedside table. Not sure what to do. I think I could really fall for this guy, but he treats me like a hooker. Help! – JR

Baby,
For starters he’s paying you too little. You need at least three figures, preferably four. You give him your body, he gives you money. It’s the laws of attraction. Older men find it difficult to connect to their emotions. They’ve had a whole lifetime of disappointment to deal with. Which is why they need to pay you. You wouldn’t want to upset him, would you? As for your other misconceptions…Why does everyone assume you can’t be in love if you’re treated like a whore? I suspect you’re falling for him because he treats you like a hooker. That’s what Daddys do. That’s why we love them. So call him, needle him for money and let him find your sweet spot. You’ll be the happiest couple in the world.
Love Glace x

PS. I’d like to help more. Send me a detailed explanation of how he did you, what his preferences are, any photos you may have taken and his phone number and I’ll try to sort out the situation.

Winky Twinky

Posted in Dear Glace advice with tags , , , on April 23, 2008 by Glace Chase

Dear Glace,

My flatmate is a lazy twink. He’s just turned 22. For the last two years we’ve lived together and in that time he hasn’t had a single job interview, he sits at home all day on Manhunt and doesn’t lift a finger around the house. I’ve tried to inspire him to go out there and make something of himself, I’ve suggested he volunteer for different organisations, I’ve nagged him – nothing works. I wonder what will become of him. Is there something wrong with this generation or what? Help me!

Sweet pea
Sounds like someone is a tad jealous… How would you feel if you were 22 and your do-gooder room mate kept raining on your parade?! All you’d be able to do is surf the net looking for cheap sex too! It is a prerogative of our generation (me and the twinks) to do what we like, when we like and as deep as we like it. The only thing that will come over us is happiness. The real problem here is your age and sour inclination. There are two types of people: givers and takers. Sounds like you’re a bitter giver and envy this sweet taker. Good news – no matter how old you are its still not too late to quit that job, get some botox and find a rich man over 50 (tip: if they’re over 65 their money is easier to access). Do this and you can feel eternal happiness as well.

But if none of that works and you still want to take him down (or any other twink, myself excluded), then give him some distressing news:16 is the new 22…

Love Glace xox