Love and Other Things…

Dear Glace,

I’m at my wits end. I’m almost thirty and I’ve never had a meaningful relationship. Sure, I’ve got a bundle of fabulous friends who I adore, I’ve had some great one night stands and I’ve even fallen in love before – but he was completely emotionally unavailable. I am starting to wonder what’s wrong with me. I feel like I’m ready to fall in love and really see where I can go with someone. But I have no idea where to find these people. How can I land myself a man?  – RP.

Darling,

Like all of us, you is what’s wrong with you. If only you could find a personality it would be so much easier. Alas, like men, they don’t grow on trees. But I’m here to help.

For starters its foolish to expect a meaningful relationship – I’ve never met anyone who’s had one. Love is a slightly easier proposition. First, join a gym. Second, get a body wax. Third, get a penile enlargement. Now package your new and improved personality into a stringed speedo and head off to the Boy Charlton pool using tackle as bait to lure men (Kings Cross fountain will attract more earthy types, Lady Bay deviants – this is designed for Sydney residents of course…).

As soon as you’ve caught a man head back to his place for intense love making. Now for the love part – while your new love interest is having a post coital nap quickly and quietly move in all your possessions. In the morning refuse to leave. Buy him a cat and use it as emotional blackmail. When he calls the police reveal you’re pregnant. Attempt suicide in front of him. Cheat on him with his best friend. Swear he’s the worst thing that ever happened to you. Repeat this cycle every six months with a new partner. Love is a precious thing.

Love Glace xxx